Dip In A Toe? To Hell With That, i’ll Dive Right Back In!

[Writer’s Note: This entry deals with my BDSM proclivities in some detail.  Readers who wish to avoid such content are advised to skip it.  You have been warned.]

Last night i went to a play party with some friends, one of whom i have played with a number of times in the past.  It was my first time going to a party at this venue and with this particular BDSM group.  It was also the first play party that i have been to, period, in over a year.  So needless to say i was filled with a thrill of nervous excitement that might have been overwhelming for my sensitive introverted self if not for the friends with whom i was traveling.  Being able to talk and laugh and spend time with them during the drive helped to calm me down and keep my nervous energy (and natural urge to project that nervousness into envisioning what might happen) in check.  It also helped that there were a few other familiar faces present when we arrived, and the getting-to-know-you bit before the party itself commenced was also helpful in making me feel more comfortable around the new faces.

So anyway, the party started with rope.  It wasn’t exactly a demo, because multiple people were doing things with rope, and it wasn’t exactly a workshop, because not everyone was working on the same thing, and it wasn’t really too organized.  It was people who know rope doing ties and showing the less-knowledgeable how to do them… or simply just playing around with the rope.  My friend who i came with did a couple of ties on me, one of which went from my hands bound together, under between my legs, over my head, and back down to my hands… the result being that if i tried to straighten up, the rope would pull up into my tender nether region… and it could also be cinched up to create the same effect.  She untied that one rather quickly, but i would have likely enjoyed staying in it a bit longer…

Regardless, after the rope play had gone on for a little while, my friend asked me if i wanted to play a scene.  We had talked a bit via text before she had picked me up, so she knew that i had been craving a good beating, and we had also talked about some of my other recent issues and life events, so she knew i was craving something to send me into cryspace.  Still, there was a little voice in the back of my head that said, “Maybe you should ease into this… It’s your first party in over a year and your first serious BDSM play session in at least 6 months.”  i duly banished that little voice from my consciousness.  i wanted this, and i wasn’t going to let a little thing like “common sense” get in my way.  i took a quick safety trip to the restroom, then returned, stripped down, and let her cuff me to a pair of rings mounted in a support column in the basement playspace.

Things started nice and sensual: body contact, nipple play, and the first play with my new Wartenberg wheel.  After that things ramped up quickly.  There was some good warm-up, but the speed from which we went from warm-up to the next stage was a little bit faster than i usually prefer/am used to.  i think for last night, given what i was looking for, it was actually rather appropriate.  i needed to play hard, and we played hard.  She hit me with a number of different toys, some of which were quite intense (including my electric flyswatter, which i love, but which also made my nipples sore to the touch for the rest of the night after she used it multiple times on them… but who am i kidding?  i loved every minute).

In particular, i recall a toy from her bag.  i’m not sure precisely what the material was, but it looked and felt like heavy duty outdoor extension cord.  The toy was basically a loop of that with a handle, and it fucking hurt!  At first i didn’t like it because it came on so intense and surprisingly, but after she gave me a few seconds to breathe through it, and i figured out how to process it, i started to enjoy it more.  It’s still a bit intense for me to do too much with, but it’s the kind of intensity i want to work myself into.  There was also a paddle made out of Corian countertop material that she has nicknamed Nightmare.  It was also very intense, but the way it radiated through my body was wonderful.  There was some nice flogging and caning, including a good test run with the radio antenna i scavenged off my car before the tow truck came to take it away (it needs a handle made for it, but it’s nice…).

After we had played for a while, she asked me if i was ready to come down.  i wasn’t entirely perfectly conscious of everything going on (feeling floaty subspace-y, but still tethered to the ground a bit), but i knew i needed a little more.  i asked if we could go a little longer, and she obliged, continuing the beating for a few more minutes before again asking if i was ready.  This time i made the first specific request i think i have ever made this far into a scene… i asked for a little more play with my bamboo toys (i have one bamboo cane that i made myself, and a baton that is two flat pieces of bamboo with a slit between them… i love them both very much).  She obliged, and began alternating hits with both toys, which was new for me and very nice.

By this time i knew i was bruised.  i could feel that deep, satisfying pain under the skin that accompanies the pretty purple coloration i so enjoy… and it felt like every toy impact was striking in that same bruised region.  She got close again and softly asked if i wanted “the best of six.”  i honestly wasn’t entirely sure what that meant in my foggy mental state, and i wasn’t really in a condition to logic it out quickly, but i knew it sounded like something i wanted, so i said yes, and said yes again when she double-checked.  “The Best of Six,” i have found, is six hits at full strength.  And i had to count.  i keep using the word intense, but truthfully, it is just so apt a description of the quality of pain/pleasure i experienced for the entire scene, and “The Best of Six” was like the grand finale for the entire thing, with added punctuation when she “just couldn’t resist” giving me a seventh…

Even with all the intensity of the scene, i never actually hit cryspace.  There were a few times i felt like i was about to, but i never fell over the edge… which is odd, considering that this was probably the hardest play session i’ve had in my entire time with BDSM.  The only thing i can think is that it was the new play environment.  I trust my play partner enough to let go of that control and let the tears and emotions flow, but i don’t think i was ready to make that jump in the new surroundings.  Regardless, i think the beating i got: the intensity, the duration, the variety of sensations… it was truly what i needed.  Cryspace might have been an added bonus, but even without it i am feeling much more grounded and content today than i have in a long time.  And it doesn’t hurt that i still have some pretty purple bruises on my ass that remind me of the lovely time i had last night every time i sit down or adjust position in my seat…

After the scene was over, it was time for aftercare.She brought me down from my bondage, wrapped me in my fuzzy Spider-Man blanket, and held me for a while, rubbing my back and letting me float in my semi-conscious subspace state, all but oblivious to the rest of the party for a while.  After a time (and some additional backrubs by another friend at the party), i felt more conscious, got myself dressed, and rejoined the party for the rest of the evening, getting the chance to talk to some of the new faces in my more relaxed state of mind.  It’s interesting… whenever i play publically with new people about, i always seem to hear similar things about myself in scene… words like “lovely,” phrases like “a pleasure to watch.”  These aren’t really descriptions that i am accustomed to associating with myself… i generally can’t really stand my body’s size and shape, but this sort of affirmation always seems to keep coming regardless of group.  You’d think i might start to actually believe it…

This brings me to another matter… the word “painslut” is one that i’ve toyed with using as a desriptor for myself many times.  i’ve never felt fully comfortable using it, though, because i know that i can’t take as much as many other people, a significant number who i actually know, in fact.  That being said, my play partner last night used it to describe me a few times, as did some of the new faces last night.  i also heard from a few people present that our scene impressed them, and that we had played hard.  i suppose the term “painslut” isn’t necessarily a competition for who can take the most beating… it could just mean someone who honestly derives pleasure from pain, but we’ve already got the word masochist to fill that role.  Perhaps “painslut” means someone who doesn’t just derive pleasure from pain, but someone who seeks that pleasure out eagerly, almost gleefully… someone who isn’t content to remain at the same level of painful pleasure, but seeks to explore and expand the boundaries of what he or she can endure and enjoy.  It’s not about where you are, it’s about the journey and the exploration, seeking new and more intense enjoyments…  Framed like that, i think it’s a pretty fair description of me.  Maybe i should start to own that label a bit more…

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2 Responses to Dip In A Toe? To Hell With That, i’ll Dive Right Back In!

  1. LadyDomme says:

    I loved reading this and so enjoyed your pleasure and pain! Painslut. Is not just a masochist. I think you hit the nail on the head. Perhaps “painslut” means someone who doesn’t just derive pleasure from pain, but someone who seeks that pleasure out eagerly, almost gleefully… someone who isn’t content to remain at the same level of painful pleasure, but seeks to explore and expand the boundaries of what he or she can endure and enjoy. I personally love the word painslut it is more enduring. You are not just a masochist you are a slut one who loves pain who plays or toys with it and embraces it in all ways.

    Like

  2. comingout3x says:

    Thank you so much! i look forward to more opportunities to explore my journey as a painslut with you!

    Like

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