[Author’s Note: Well, this is another entry that has taken me days to actually write, and it’s really not that long. i have serious writer’s block problems when it comes to talking about this sort of stuff, apparently…]
This is going to be another entry that’s kind of difficult for me to write. i’m really not good at expressing needs or wants, because i always feel like i’m being unreasonable in some way. It’s not necessarily a submissive thing. i just don’t feel right about it, and i find it incredibly difficult–nigh impossible, even. i’m fighting myself right now as i try to write it all out, because i just feel like it’s kind of stupid. This problem seems so trivial from what i imagine to be an outside perspective, but it’s something that has just been kicking my ass lately.
i think i’ve mentioned before in another entry at some point on this blog (and if not, i probably hallucinated it, but this statement will take care of mentioning it for the first time, then), but i have a really high sex drive. That being said, this post is not (entirely) about sex. This is about something that i feel even more deep down than sex: my need for touch and physical contact, just in general. i feel like i’ve been starving for physical contact lately, and it gets much worse when i am feeling more depressed. The feeling is intense… it’s like a combination of loneliness and soreness–and yes, it does manifest physically as a sort of all-over ache of longing, a tenseness in the shoulders, and, at its most intense, a dull, empty feeling in the pit of the stomach.
i’m not sure that i entirely ascribe to the idea of the Five Love Languages; it seems a little bit simplistic to be perfectly accurate as a description, but it does seem to at least be fairly accurate. In that particular system, my primary language tends toward Physical Touch, with Words of Affirmation and Quality Time tied for a relatively close second. This might come as a surprise to some readers who know me in person, because i’m not a really outwardly touchy person (although any readers who have known me in more… intimate terms… will also know that i’m an incorrigible cuddle slut). i think a lot of that has to do with internalized lessons learned from the stigmatization of non-masculine behaviors when i was younger along with respecting other people’s boundaries. This is especially true when i’m not sure exactly what those boundaries are, and it is combined with my difficulty in asking questions about such topics out of fear of rejection or being perceived as weird or creepy. As such, it has also become something i value incredibly highly, something to be shared with those who are special to me.
So it is understandably difficult for me to find help for this particular problem, and physical contact from another person isn’t exactly the sort of thing i can effectively self-sooth. i have made some progress recently, though. i was feeling really bad a week or so ago, and i posted a status about needing a hug. The hugs i received in reply were mostly virtual “comment hugs,” which are a wonderfully nice sentiment and do make me smile for a second, but really don’t do much for the need for actual touch. A few people did give me real hugs when next they saw me, though, and that was very nice, and i am very grateful for both real and virtual hugs.
At the risk of sounding a bit ungrateful, though, the simple fact is that i really need more than just a hug. Hugs are nice in the couple of seconds they take to accomplish, and they take the edge off the intense desire for touch for a little while, but they are over as quickly as they began, and the feeling returns not long after. As nice as hugs are, and as happy as i am to receive them from willing people, at this point i feel like i need something more than that. i feel like i need to be held, just held close for an extended period of time… not necessarily doing anything else… just feeling close to another human being, feeling wrapped up in that person’s arms, feeling the warmth of their body in contact with mine, feeling and hearing their heart beating in their chest… feeling safe.
Unfortunately, i realize that the nature of this particular need most likely requires that the person who helps me with it be a bit more than “just a friend.” This doesn’t necessarily mean a significant other or sex partner, but just someone who is comfortable enough (and with whom i am comfortable enough) with having that sense of closeness with me and isn’t already in the sort of relationship that would negate the possibility. But right now there really isn’t anyone inside of about a two hour drive who fits that description, and i really suck at broaching that sort of subject with people (for reasons stated above).
The one aspect of this that would probably require a significant other or sex partner to really fulfill is that i love the feeling of skin on skin. Again, this is not necessarily being stated in a sexual sense. i just really love the sensation of bare skin touching bare skin during cuddling and other contact. This particular state of affairs does generally lead to arousal on my part, though, so there would be the potential for a desire for things to move past just being held and cuddled… which would be alright with me in the right circumstances, but the real need i’m having, as stated earlier, is much more basic physical contact.
Regardless, i’m just not really sure what to do at this point. It almost seems like a silly problem to have… something i should just be able to get over. But it’s a problem i appear to be stuck with, regardless.