In Which It Occurs To Me That i Have Absolutely No Idea How To Meet Someone…

An ally friend of mine and i were having a conversation the other day.  We talked about a number of subjects, including this relatively new (at least as far as my being conscious of it is concerned) and often uncomfortable gender identity adventure i’ve been on, and she helped me out with an outfit/potential cosplay i’ve been putting together (she helped lace up the corset when i tried some things on to show her what i had in mind, too…).  Inevitably, the conversation worked its way around to relationships, and i came to a realization: i have absolutely no idea how to meet someone…

It’s been a running joke for me for a few years now (ever since i fully embraced my BDSM orientation) that i keep doing and realizing things about myself that make it more and more difficult to find a romantic partner–essentially making my dating pool more and more shallow every time i come to a new mental place.  It was difficult enough when i realized that i would probably not be able to have any sort of extended romantic relationship without there being at least some element of BDSM and power exchange in the dynamic, and that i would have to address this issue early with any potential significant others.  Then there was the whole polyamorous layer that got added in, because i hadn’t already created enough of a challenge.  Now i’ve added a potentially even more difficult layer to the cake, especially living in this area.

To be perfectly fair, i wasn’t all that adept at meeting romantic interests to begin with.  i’ve never been good at the bar/club scene; large crowds of people make me nervous and i can’t dance for shit.  Online dating websites have never really panned out for me either–i’ve always been too outside the norm for eHarmony to accept me, Plenty of Fish failed to bite, and OK Cupid is not so OK at archery when it comes to me.  i’ve even tried Adult Friend Finder… Yeeeah… i could probably go the rest of my life without reading some variation of “no fat people, it’s nothing personal just a preference,” and die moderately happier than if i continue to be subjected to that shit.  i’ve never tried speed dating, but i’ve also never actually heard of a speed dating event happening in any area where i’ve been living (and also have heard that it tends to fail spectacularly for most who try it anyway).

So where does that leave me?  There’s always the idea of asking a friend who i feel especially close to on a date, but that’s historically been something i’ve shied away from, mostly out of fear that they aren’t that into me and a rebuffed attempt would create a new sense of awkward that would eventually shake the whole friendship apart.  And at this point in my life, most of my group of friends are either with someone already or even married.  Welcome to almost-30 singledom…

i literally do not know how to meet someone in a romantic context, and this has only increased over time.  And i can already hear one of the oft-repeated objections: “Just quit worrying about it.  Live your life and do your thing.  Quit looking so hard and someone will fall into your lap.”  That’s a lovely platitude and a nice thought, but the fact is that it isn’t wholly realistic.  To begin with, i am worrying about it, and telling me not to only makes me worry about it even more.  As i said in “In Need of Contact,” my feelings of loneliness and the need to be touched have only been increasing lately.  In fact, i think a lot of my food cravings and tendency to eat way more than i should (and feel guilty about it afterward) has been an unconscious (or subconscious) desire to “fill the hole” that would otherwise be satisfied by touch and cuddles and general feelings of closeness.

On top of that, i’m not exactly a standard case, so even if just going about life and waiting for something to appear out of the blue would work for most people, it’s not exactly going to be super-effective for me, especially living in this area.  i need to have the safety to divulge those parts of myself to a potential partner that could put me at risk of social exposure, or job/career loss, or worse.  That’s not going to be a possibility in a case where something just “falls into my lap.”  It almost needs to be a controlled situation for it to be successful, which i realize is far from possible most of the time just out and about in public, and this would imply that i should think more about those who i am already close enough to to be out with, a group primarily composed of people who already have partners.  Catch-22.

i also know that i’m probably overthinking this.  It’s what i do, and i’m very good at what i do.  There is still no way to deny the issues i’ve mentioned, though.  How do i date someone if they don’t know the things about me that will affect the future relationship, but i don’t tell those things to anyone except those who i know well enough not to run screaming?

i don’t have the answer.  i’m not even sure there is an answer.  i wouldn’t be surprised to find out that there wasn’t one.  This is probably something i’m going to have to bite some kind of bullet on in order to have any kind of desired outcome.  Because while we do have niche dating sites like “Christian Mingle” and “Farmers Only,” i doubt there’s one out there for pansexual polyamorous gender fluid BDSM submissives.  That seems like it’s probably a little bit too niche to be marketable…

But who knows?  Maybe the perfect partner(s) will suddenly fall into my life tomorrow completely without any semblance of warning whatsoever.  The universe does have a tendency to love irony like that.

i’m not going to hold my breath, though…

This entry was posted in BDSM, Gender, LGBT, Life, Personality, Relationships, Sexuality and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to In Which It Occurs To Me That i Have Absolutely No Idea How To Meet Someone…

  1. Had this same discussion with myself last night. Okay, there might have been another person present, but mostly I was just trying to work stuff out to myself while their poor ears were subjected to me babbling.

    No idea how to meet anyone, is any space safe? I don’t drink, I can barely walk most days so dancing is out of the question. No vehicle, so I’d be a burden to anyone attempting to date me. Plus there’s kids involved. The single parent dynamic is crushing all by itself.

    Here I am babbling again. Love you! ❤


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