Well, i had my neurologist appointment yesterday morning, and it was pretty good. To begin with, the doctor said that my breakthrough seizure was probably at least partly due to my medication change, and my feeling fine since is more than likely a good sign. he was also able to allay many of my parents’ fears about me living alone, and as of last night i am back to staying at the house that i am housesitting.
i also read some more information about the high degree of co-morbidity of epilepsy and depression. It’s apparently over 50%, and can be really severe in some cases. It also has a tendency to present in somewhat unique ways when it comes to epileptic individuals, including periods of less-depressed mood, or even euphoria, when external events are not so bad–and this gives my “unclassified bipolar” diagnosis from a few years back new context. It isn’t necessarily that i have a unique form of bipolar disorder that makes me fluctuate between manic and depressive phases rapidly (sometimes multiple times during a given day). It’s more that the combination of epilepsy and depression create this unique state of affairs in my mind.
In other news, i have, of course, gone back to work at the school, and i am still feeling ambivalent at best about teaching. i feel like my motivation and energy in the classroom are really suffering from this, but i can’t seem to shake this existential crisis in which i’ve found myself. i have, however, been toying with another alternative to the ones that i had been thinking about… i’m sorely tempted to just say “Fuck it all,” drop all of my pretenses, come out publicly, and let the professional chips fall where they may.
This temptation is even stronger since a conversation that i had with a student toward the end of the school day yesterday. As i was roaming around the room keeping an eye on my seventh hour class, i overheard the word “Transgender” in a conversation. When i asked what they were talking about, the student revealed to me that she had a cousin in kindergarten in my district who is a Trans girl. She also told me that the school district is accepting her as a girl and accommodating her needs. This was a reassuring thing to hear, especially after my principal essentially told me to watch my back in becoming the faculty advisor for the Gay-Straight Alliance that a student is working to form at the high school.
So i still don’t know what to do or think about my life right now, but there’s definitely a part of me that would love to just be myself and let whatever happens happen. At the very least, it would ease some of this knotted up tension that feels like it’s killing me from the inside out…
UPDATE: 5:00 PM
Well, so much for that bit of positivity. This afternoon i had another breakthrough seizure. This one happened in front of students during my seventh hour class. Luckily, my students reacted very well and sympathetically. A couple went to get help from the office and the teacher across the hall, and another one who happens to be a first responder helped get me into a safe position and kept an eye on me until the seizure passed.
The upshot, however, is that i’m back to being stuck at my parents’ house, at least for the time being, and my neurologist doesn’t think i should go back to work until he’s had a chance to see me once again. To that end, i have another appointment scheduled for Friday at 11:00 AM. Hopefully the doctor will clear me to live alone again, because this really fucking sucks.